Please read the following amazing article from Max Nachamkin about how to attract a woman. This is simply the best advice I ever read on this subject. I am sure you will find this article very inspiring.
How to Attract a Woman – The Anti-Method
Dating is one of the most confusing aspects of life that’s out there. In a world where you can get tips and perspectives from anyone or anywhere on the Internet, there’s no shortage of advice.
And a lot of it flat out just…doesn’t…work.
There’s good intentions in the advice but when it comes to real-world practicality, men are still having to try hard to get the connection they want…
Which personally I believe should be easy and effortless, not confusing and difficult.
When I was younger I really wanted to understand women and relationships. I was a computer programmer, web designer, avid video game player. But I felt clueless when it came to women.
Like most guys connected to the Internet, I went searching for help. Unlike most guys, I invested over $20,000 into different bootcamps, seminars, products, and coaches into learning this stuff. Not to mention the thousands of hours I put into applying the advice I got.
I first started off 7 years ago with an e-book on how to date girls in college. It’s been a journey since then – I’ve had one-night stands, polyamorous relationships, monogamous relationships, and everything in-between. I’ve battle-tested all the different techniques, perspectives, and paradigms that I could possibly find when it comes to dating and relationships. And at the end of it all, here’s what I realized…
What actually works is completely counter-intuitive and contrary to the advice I had been given. Even from the professionals, the gurus, and the “best of the best”.
And so my intention with this post is to share with you the wisdom I’ve learned through my own personal experiences, to the best of my ability, in the hopes that it will simplify your dating life completely so that you can move on towards growth in other areas of your life.
I spent countless nights suffering in confusion about this stuff, when deep down I just wanted to have a stable sense of how attraction, connection, and relationships worked. I hope this post can save you the time I spent and offer some perspective that can lead to an amazing relationship in your life.
Here’s what you’ll learn in this post:
How to develop attractiveness towards women on a fundamental level, beyond the need for pickup lines, trying-hard, or approaching
How to get to a place where women approach you and pick you up, not the other way around
One widely-applicable exercise that you can do anywhere, any place, that will improve your connection to women over and over again.
About The “Anti-Method”
My approach with dating can be summed up as follows: “The Anti-Method”.
It’s basically the complete opposite of what guys are taught. Here are some real-world examples, of my own experience, of how the dating game using this way of operating has worked for me.
How I Met “Jenny”
I was eating dinner by myself at one of my favorite restaurants. It was a casual night where I spent time chatting it up with the people next to me and enjoying my time.
I walked out of the restaurant, and while I was half-way down the sidewalk, a woman comes out of the restaurant and runs after me shouting.
I turn around.
“Haven’t we met before?” she says.
I didn’t talk to her in the restaurant, nor had I met her before, nor did she look familiar.
But she was cute, and I was intrigued that she came running after me, so I continued chatting with her.
She went on to tell me that she didn’t know what came over her and that she just felt compelled to leave the restaurant and come talk to me.
I asked why and she said “I don’t know, there was just something about you.”
We went back inside for a drink, hit it off, and started dating seriously a few weeks later.
Turns out she was an artist and was in a feature film that was released in theaters. Not only was she a badass with her work, but she had an incredible heart and dating her was healing on so many different levels.
This wasn’t the only time I experienced this.
Getting picked up at the bar
I went to a bar with a friend, and about an hour later, a woman bumped into me.
She looked at me and said “excuse me”, but had a coy look on her face that told me that it really wasn’t an accident.
She scurried off, and 10 or so minutes later I walked to go to the bathroom.
She came and found me, asked me if I was single, and told me I was cute and that she wanted my number.
We went on a date a couple days later, with only one text-exchanged, which was “Bitter bar at 8pm?” (a local bar here in Boulder, Colorado).
Super simple, no pickup lines, no trying, super simple.
And this pattern wasn’t just happening to me…
The time I took a friend to a bar
I took a close friend to a bar to show him how he could apply my viewpoint on dating, and also to see if it was just me that women were responding to.
I was wondering if it was just me or if this is something that could be taught.
I rarely go to bars, and my friend doesn’t go to bars either. Especially not just to see how women responded to him. This was a first-time experience for him.
After a couple of hours, a cute hippie chick approached him and wanted to dance with him.
They danced for a little, and as far as I could tell, didn’t really exchange many words. They stopped dancing and he came to join me, saying that that was an “interesting” experience.
(He later told me that she whispered in his ear “I don’t know why but I feel like I can trust you.”)
A few minutes later the girl came back up to him, asked him to hold out his arm, and then she wrote her number on his arm with a sharpie she had in her purse. She said she was having a party later and to text her for the address.
We both went to the party later that evening and had a great time.
How I Met “Alex”
When I moved to Boulder, Colorado a few years ago I hardly knew anyone outside of a few friends that I had when I moved. So I took the opportunity to go to as many events as possible, and when I was invited to something, I’d attend.
One of my friends threw a barbecue every week during one of the Summer’s. There were always new people there and so I went regularly to get to know them and tap into the community around me.
I had one conversation with one woman about some hobbies, for a couple minutes or so, and didn’t really think of it that much.
A week later I get a message from the woman that said that I came up a few times in conversation with other people and asked if we could get together.
We got together to grab a tea and instantly felt chemistry that went on to form the longest relationships I’ve ever had.
“I’ve been thinking about you”
I’m going to throw this story in here because it makes me laugh every time I think about it.
I met this woman over 7 years ago when I was deathly afraid of women. She was super cute, and I at the time thought I wanted to marry her…but regardless, I was too nervous to ask her out and didn’t have the confidence that the pick-up stuff I was reading told me I needed to have.
So I let it go and beat myself up for it.
A year after I met her, I ran into her again through a mutual friend. I was still crushing on her, but with (still) no confidence, and the fact that she had a boyfriend, I let it go and forgot about it.
A few year after that and a text exchanges during that time period, I get a random message from her that said something along the likes of “Hey, my little secret but I just masturbated to the thought of you and it was fantastic.”
We met up a few months later when we were in the same city and had a fun time in the backseat of my car.
Over the holidays, I went to a bar in a local town with a few friends. I don’t know anyone in the town, but I wanted to spend some time with my friends so I went.
At the bar, a couple of girls approached us and sparked up a conversation. We talked for 10 minutes or so, and because they were with some guy friends, they left to go to another bar.
A few minutes later, both of the girls come back, and one of them tells me “I really wanted to give you my number so I came back. Can I put my number in your phone?”
I gave her my phone and she put her name followed by “Cute chick you met at the bar who’s super cool”.
I couldn’t help but laugh because that was the same technique I was taught in some pick-up book years ago, and now the woman was using it on me.
Notes on the experiences
The aim of sharing these experiences is to show you the range of experiences that can happen when you apply the principles that I’m going to teach you in this post. You could end up meeting a woman you date seriously for a few years, have a one-night stand, or meet some pretty cool women that you’re friends with for the rest of your life.
Now, it’s important to note that while I spent 7 years studying the whole pickup stuff, it wasn’t until I started applying the “anti-method” that all of these experiences happened. It was like a light-switch turned on, where seemingly random and amazing connections happened consistently, over and over again.
And it’s not just me.
I’ve had friends and clients tell me similar stories where before they’d never had any real consistent success before with the other things that they’ve tried. It’s been proven to me that when a man has a full understanding of the “anti-method”, he doesn’t have to spend years learning pickup, approach 1000 girls to get their confidence up, or learn to say the “right thing” or anything like that.
By the end of this post, you’ll be able to apply this methodology as well to have an effortless dating life and begin to create the relationships that you want without trying hard at all.
Ready to dive in?
How It Works
The common element in what caused all of the experiences I previously mentioned to happen is that I fully understood and applied the energetic dynamics of how attraction works.
It’s a myth that attraction happens externally with the things that you say and the things that you do. Attraction happens underneath the surface, at a subconscious level, when a man’s energy and a woman’s energy are correctly polarized. I’ll get into that in a minute.
First, I want to make it clear that this isn’t about quick fixes or temporary solutions to the dating game. Once fully understood and put into practice, these energetic dynamics will be embedded into your body and will improve your level of attractiveness in permanent way, without you having to think about it.
At this point you may be asking…how does it work?
Let’s get to it.
Dating Energetics Explained: The Gravity Metaphor
To increase your level of attractiveness in a permanent way, the first thing to understand is how your energy works.
The best way I can explain how this works is with an analogy.
Think of yourself like the Sun. You are the center of your solar system.
There are planets orbiting you, like Mars, Jupiter, etc.
These planets represent the people in your life – friends, family, women, etc – all orbiting to various degrees of depth in relation to you.
How people interact with you is much like how planets interact with the Sun. The Sun’s gravitational pull affects each planet differently and how they orbit the Sun.
It’s why certain planets are closer than others and why some aren’t in its orbit and reside in other solar systems. Their magnetic fields either line up, or don’t.
They’re either polarized or not.
This video by NASA does a good job of explaining how this works:
NASA Video: Understanding the Magnetic Sun
To make this happen, the Sun isn’t really doing anything. It’s just burning, doing it’s thing. It’s not saying “I need to attract these planets into my orbit” or asking “how do I bring them closer”. It’s simply being.
The process of planets orbiting the Sun is naturally-occurring process of life.
Relationships with women work the same way.
The only big difference is that people have an ego.
The ego is an attraction destroyer.
It serves its purpose, and there’s nothing wrong with it, however when it comes to attraction the ego gets in the way of the natural attraction process between men and women.
With the ego, the dating game feels like an uphill battle where you can never seem to go on a date with someone, or they always flake, or they want to be “just friends”. A romantic relationship is always out of reach, or at least the one that you’re truly wanting is always one step away.
With less and less of it, women in your life operate like planets to the Sun – they start to orbit you. They’ll orbit in your physical space, through social media, through friends-of-friends, through work, etc.
They could be close or in a different solar system, but they are in fact there.
How close they are in your orbit is dictated by the gravitational field that you have. Your energy.
The stronger your energy is – the stronger your gravitational field is – the more naturally attractive you are. Meaning that as your gravitational field becomes stronger, you have to work less in order to connect with women in your life.
Less effort. Less trying-hard. Less games.
But how do you upgrade your energy? How do you upgrade your gravitational field?
How To Upgrade Your Energy and Improve Your Gravitational Field
Principle #1 – Releasing Expectations and Agendas
The first thing that any man needs to do to upgrade his gravitational field and improve his natural polarity with women is to learn to relate to women without expectations and agendas.
What are expectations and agendas?
An expectation is any place in which you are attempting to force your external reality to get a specific result.
With an expectation/agenda, there’s a concrete notion of “I want things to happen this way and only this way” or “This is what I want so I have to go get it.”
This is the ego talking.
For instance, most men are trying to figure out what to say to ask a girl on a date…
How to get her to be his girlfriend…
How to attract THAT girl…
And to fulfill that expectation, most guys go and do something about it – like approach multiple women at the bar.
Again, expectations can show up as: “this is the result I want” + “what do I need to go do externally in order to get it”.
When actions are rooted from that type of mindset of expecting a certain result, which often happens subconsciously, it destroys the natural attraction process and reduces the man’s energy field dramatically .
Has a woman ever flaked on you and you got pissed or down on yourself? Has a woman ever told you one thing and then did another and it upset you? Has a woman you thought was attractive flirt with some other guy and you got jealous or even depressed?
If so, these are prime examples of your expectations getting broken.
Here’s the thing about women.
In the dating game, they will continue to break your expectations over and over again until you can learn to let go of them.
If you go to bar trying to pickup women, two things will either happen:
1) you won’t pick up a woman because she can feel like you’re trying to pick her up, or 2) you get REALLY good at saying the right thing to “disarm” her natural defenses, and manipulate her into sleeping with you…but not only does this feel shitty for you (and her) at the end of the night, but it’s a LOT of work!
But as you let go of your expectations of trying to pick-up women or get them to respond in a certain way to you through external means, you become MORE attractive…AND…you become MORE attracted to women.
Your ability to FEEL becomes heightened, you become more sensitive to your environment, and the amount of connection that you can have with women becomes exponentially higher.
This is because as you let go of expectations, you give yourself an opportunity to need nothing from women and live in a state of unconditional love.
This is very attractive to women, and feels very good for you.
Principle #2 – Handling Insecurities and Processing Emotions
When a man lets go of his expectations of trying to do anything specific with women (like pick them up, try to sleep with them, or figure out how to ask them on a date), it puts him into a state of raw vulnerability.
As his expectations leave, his ego leaves. His heart starts to open and he will start to feel emotions that have been buried up for years.
This process can be scary and very confusing.
Expectations in the dating game, from a core level, are created when there is a feeling of fear underneath. An insecurity.
This could show up as feeling like you aren’t worthy of love, feeling like you’re doing something wrong, feeling like you aren’t enough.
They are also created from past relationships when things ended badly, or if there are misunderstandings about yourself or women in general.
It’s beyond the scope of the article to go into detail into why those expectations are created, however what you need to know for now is that as you release expectations, or as they get broken, the insecurities that created those expectations will surface.
It’s important to stay with your emotions and feel them in the moment as they arise.
Like I said, this can be extremely confusing. How to navigate your emotions is highly situational and circumstantial…and it’s not something I can cover in one article.
Principle #3 – Trust
Finally, when a man is releasing his expectations and staying current with his emotions, the final part to upgrading his energy and gravitational field is to TRUST.
Because it is vulnerable to not have any expectations with women, it can seem like initially that you’re getting further and further away from women.
Let this process unfold, and stay trusting that once things settle and the insecurities underneath the expectations are handled, women will be attracted to you more than ever.
It’s important to know that as a man continues to let go of his expectations and address his insecurities, all of the typical dating problems fall out the window.
You don’t have to think about when’s the right time to text her. You don’t have to think about what’s the right thing to say. You don’t have to try to be confident.
You just have to be…you.
Your gravitational field will upgrade moment after moment, and at a certain point, a woman will come into your orbit like I demonstrated in the stories at the beginning of this article.
The beautiful thing about this methodology is that when a woman comes into your orbit in this way, the bond between you is based on your GRAVITY.
It’s based on reality without any external effort from you.
When that happens, you can viscerally feel and know when there’s chemistry between you and a woman.
You can know that when you feel that chemistry it’s not because you’re trying to force it, but because the woman is actually attracted to you for who you are, and not what you’re saying or you’re doing.
That’s why in my example above I could just text the girl one line to meet up, and she met me there. No pickup lines or anything fancy.
I could feel the energy between us and it was undeniable.
That feeling is based on the energy of who you two ARE, and that is impossible to fake or lie about when you sense it.
Watch the video below for a visual representation of how this works.
Anti-Method Visual Explanation
Putting The Anti-Method Into Practice
The following exercise is something that you can go do immediately to start understanding how your energy affects your environment. Keep in mind that this isn’t a “one-off” exercise. This is a continual practice that shows better results over time.
The more you do this and the more you gain an awareness of the energetic dynamics, the more natural this process will become and it will eventually become a habit.
Step 1. Go to a public place – a coffee shop, a strip mall, a friend’s party, a bar, etc.
Step 2. Find a place in the middle, or a place that has the highest traffic. For instance, when I went to the bar with my friend, we stood right in the middle where the most people walk/hang out at.
The reason for this is that in the spot with the most attention you can gain more awareness to the expectations in your field, that once broken, would expand your field of gravity.
Step 3. Make a choice to yourself that although you could leave this spot, you want to stay put and do nothing. The reason for this is that when you’re continually moving, it’s hard to see what your orbit is looking like and very difficult to sense what you’re gravitational field is doing.
Step 4. Wait. Do nothing. Notice the places in which you’re drawn to do something externally – like talk to someone, get a drink, go to the bathroom, check your phone, and start to notice the place in yourself in which that’s coming from. It’s very easy to rationalize “I need to get another drink” but if you pay attention to your emotional state, you’ll start to be able to see that it could be a coping mechanism to prevent yourself from feeling awkward or anxious.
The rationalizations are a clue that expectations are in your field – the very things that are stifling your attractiveness. Rather than avoiding them, stay in the same spot and see what emotions come up underneath.
Step 5. This is where things may start to get uncomfortable, as the insecurities in your body will start to surface.
Do you feel anxious being around people? Are you afraid that people are looking at you? Afraid that you might be creepy?
Start to examine your fears with a lens of objectivity, and let yourself feel anxious, nervous, fearful, sad, angry, whatever comes up.
Sit in that emotion for a while.
Step 6. Hold your ground and stay in your spot. People may try to push you around and get you to move off center or something may try and distract you. This means that it’s working, stay with it, and don’t move off your center.
Step 7. As you’re feeling whatever emotions are coming up, continue to let yourself feel them until your body relaxes. This usually comes right after you’re feeling the most awkward, anxious, sad, whatever…which is why it’s important to stay in it.
But at a certain point, you’ll feel an energetic “pop” or simply feel more relaxed, or at the very least more present, even if it’s just a tiny bit.
Step 8. Now that you’re present and current with your emotions, you can go with the flow and follow your natural desires.
If you want to talk to someone, talk to them. If you want to go to the bathroom, go to the bathroom. If you want to grab a drink, grab a drink, whatever.
You’ll start to notice who’s orbiting around you. If you think of yourself like the Sun, different people will start to sit around you, chat it up with you, interact with you. At this point simply be yourself, remain open, and go with the flow.
Step 9. If a woman comes into your space and you’re talking with her, just be yourself without any type of agenda or expectation on what your connection with her may look like.
The mindset around this if you’re wanting to attract a woman is the one of “we’ll see what happens”.
Step 10. If there’s an opening, feel free to take it if you’re digging her. Over time you’ll learn to sense the energy of the woman – if she’s attracted to you, if she’s trying to play games with you, if she’s open to connecting with you.
A woman might just bounce and leave your orbit, but if she’s sticking around she’ll make it pretty obvious if she wants to keep hanging out. She may invite you somewhere, ask you what you’re up to later, give you her phone number, etc. Just relax, take it easy, and take the opportunities if you’d like to connect further with her (again without expectation).
That being said, women have different energies that can be hard to read. If you stay in the realm of observing and paying attention, through your experiences you can begin to feel out what a woman is saying to you with her energy.
Step 11. That’s it. Continually practice – this is a continual process as there are always more fears and expectations that are coming up. It’s a practice that once ingrained in your habitual structure will provide massive amounts of love and connection in your life.
What To Do From Here
After applying this method over and over again, women will start to become attracted to you in various ways. Some will feel friendly, others will feel attracted to you, others will feel overbearing, others will feel uncomfortable. You’ll start to notice a lot of different behaviors with women.
But when it comes to connecting further, keep apply the same methodology.
Remain stable, release your expectations, feel what’s underneath, act when things “pop”, and notice what happens in your orbit.
Don’t worry about what to do say, or over-think your actions. When you’re working on your energy with the “Anti-Method”, your being speaks for itself.
If you want to ask a girl out, do it. If you want to text a girl, do it.
Don’t worry about the “how”.
Your experiences from this point on will dictate how women respond, and as long as you stay with the process, you’ll start getting positive feedback from women.
TLDR; If you learn how to properly shift your internal state by understanding the energetics of dating, dating will become easier and easier as you won’t get flaked on, get rejected, etc. Read from ‘How To Upgrade Your Energy’ for the how-to, but the stuff above that is helpful to understand what’s going on with masculine/feminine dynamics.
TLDR2; Do nothing. Feel your emotions (anxiety, anger, awkwardness) until they “pop”. Release expectations. Get approached. Have a good time.
Accepting the TRUTH of your current situation is ABSOLUTELY necessary if you want to change it.
Trying to fix something (or someone, including yourself) from a place of blame or judgment only fuels the fire of an unwanted situation, and will continue to do so until you accept the situation AS IS from a lens of non-judgment.
In fact, that unwanted situation will CONTINUE to run your life, sometimes for MONTHS or YEARS, until you do.
Once you accept the LOVING truth of your current situation, THEN and ONLY THEN can you harmonize with it, see it for what it is, and make a different choice to create a more desirable situation.
To upgrade external reality, an internal shift must occur. This requires a choice to embody something new – a new level of energy that can hold both the result that someone wants AND the worst case scenario.
As that choice is made to hold both possibilities internally, pressure is created as there is now a distinction between who someone is being now and who someone is growing into. The comfort zone is being expanded.
The pressure builds and any fears associated with that new way of being are exposed so that they can be destroyed. The pressure will continue to build which gives the opportnity for more fears to be squeezed out of someone’s psyche.
If the pressure is held and one can remain stable in it rather than collapse, reality will bring them a new external result in a more beautiful state. Once reality does so, the pressure is released and the energy that was embodied to obtain the new result is then integrated into their being.
It’s that process over and over again that causes external reality to get more and more beautiful over time in a way that doesn’t create the same painful experiences externally over and over again.
by Max Nachamkin